Thursday, January 22, 2015

Feeling Good

So, I'm really just still very new to this whole sober/healthy living thing. Of course I didn't drink during pregnancy but that didn't seem like a big deal because I knew once I had the baby wine would be waiting with loving, open arms.

But this time obviously it's different and yes, I feel somewhat lost still without that stalwart beacon waiting to greet me at days end like a lighthouse guiding me home. I do. I feel adrift. This will take time to ever feel really comfortable in.

But, yet...I have to say, I also feel good in a way that I wasn't expecting. I feel like living my life as an open book has for once really benefited and aided me in this new direction I've chosen to take. I've always been so vocal and outspoken about how lazy I am (it's true) and how much I loved my wine (also, true) that it really came as a surprise to a lot of people that I was so ready to give that kind of thinking up, just like that.

Which led to an outpouring of people asking what's up, and why, and then, to my great surprise, being totally supportive and NOT all that surprised with my decision. Almost like, "yep, that's cool, you're making an adult decision...good on you!"

I feel more at peace with the idea of not drinking than I thought was possible for me. I mean, for ME, especially, Ms. Proud Wino, suddenly just putting down that whole aspect of my life, and it was a BIG part, it feels right and it feels like me. 

Who knows what I'll feel in a few days, or tomorrow even. Tomorrow is Friday, after all.

But for now, it's a new dawn for this Mama. I'm reading more and walking more and eating better, and really BEING with my kids more. This whole week I turned the TV off once school was over. The boys colored and crafted and played outside, and we talked, and it wasn't the usual harried "yeah yeah yeah just hurry up so I can finish laundry or cooking" it was moment by moment and it was okay to put off the folding or whatever for a few minutes.

And of course there were still times, just tonight in fact, where I wanted to scream and cry and just run away. Because sometimes, that's how Moms feel, and that's okay.

So tonight I'm cheersing myself with some flavored seltzer in a wine glass: "Good for you, self. You can do this and you deserve this more than anyone I know."

"Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good."

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