Saturday, January 17, 2015

The Rage

This has been so long coming.

I had some blood work done and basically I need to stop drinking.

I've never been able to drink in moderation. That's hard to admit.

During each of my pregnancies, I actually weighed significantly LESS after the baby was born from 40 weeks of abstaining.

I love wine and the velvet smooth calmness it gives me. After a long day with my boys, I race through bedtime as the one last hurdle to my reward.

And now it's gone.

I have made it almost 7 days at this point.

And today was the first day I felt ragey and stabby and on the brink of tears. Oh fuck it, I've cried already 3 times today.

The beginning of the week I just felt depressed and tired, trying to process and envision what this new life might look like.

Please don't get me wrong; I know this is for the best.

I'm proceeding with caution, but I'm proceeding. But I'm still full of rage that I can't drink. There; I said it. I am FULL OF RAGE.

I am scared of my temper, and previously, the knowledge that if I got through the day I could have that thing, my thing, for me and me alone, it helped.

And now it's gone.

Now I don't know what to do.

Wine was my thing. My comforter, my fun, my time to be a grown up entity apart from my kids.

But I do not know how to drink moderately. If there's wine in the house, I will drink it, period.

So, anyway, I think for awhile I might use this blog as more of a journal of my life during this upcoming year. I fucking love my boys, so much, that I don't want them to have an unhealthy Mom, or, God forbid, no Mom at all.

I can't continue the course I was on. This is new territory for me. And I'm scared. I'm already terrified from what just one half of a day felt like with this rage.

I just think I am in a peculiar place where I could either end up like my Mom, or something else...someone I've never met before. But who I desperately need to grab my hand and pull me through. 

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