Dear Vast Majority of Children's TV Writers: I Hate You.

You know what? Before I even start this, I'm going to first acknowledge that yes, I'm aware TV is not a babysitter, and yes, my kids probably watch waay to much TV. But yo....Mama's got shit stuff to do, and believe it or not, it's generally easier to do it sans kids. These things involve sharp knives, hot ovens, and pretty much, just things I'd rather not take twenty million jillion minutes all day to complete. Okay?

But realistically speaking, at least part of a Stay-at-home Mom's day is going to rely on CPTV, Disney, or Nick Jr. And I have a serious bone to pick with some of these so-called "creators". I mean, they ARE aware that their actions are going to impact us, the parent, right? That if we have to hear Peg plus her stupid hair ball proclaim "WE HAVE A HUUUUUUGE PROBLEM!" one more time, we're going to literally fucking die maybe get up and turn off the TV? No? Oh shit wait, right. But I mean, that would be less viewers for them, which begs the question: Just WHO are these writers writing for? The KIDS? It seems as if they are, when good God, didn't Caillou teach them ANYTHING?! I don't think there's a more hated figure on the Internet than that bald whiny freak. Yet he still shows up, every day at 1pm, to ruin lives everywhere. Why is he still on the AIR you motherfucking sadistic network executives!? WHY!?

And how about that freaking bossy bitch overbearing Ruby, amiright? I mean, no wonder Max looks like he's gonna be the next Ted Bundy, can you imagine the woman-hating tendencies she draws out in people? She's just never happy. Nothing is ever good enough. She's SO meddlesome. And talk about never giving Max the benefit of the doubt. That situation is just not going to end well.

And The Fresh Beat Band. No. It's like they took everything awesome out of Degrassi Jr. High, slapped everyone in neon wear, and threw in lame singing and dancing. And bad acting. And stupid plots, and I don't know, I just feel like if I let my kids watch it, it would be akin to letting them learn their big moral lessons from Teddy Ruxpin. Too much cute, too much creepy, not enough street cred. No. We know you guys don't play those, or any, instruments. Just like we know your clothes are all made by Vietnamese children for $.10 a day for your overlord, Walmart.

Lazytown. What in the actual fuck. No seriously, what in the actual fuck? Whose crazy tripped out nonsensical crazy acid trip set to weird puppets of some sort and weird hero and disturbing villain who appear to actually be the same guy freaking idea WAS this? Because you ought to be charged with indecency and child abuse, at the very least! If I ever saw someone acting as obviously sexually inappropriate towards my daughter as the two main guys in this show do, I would probably be in prison. Like, seriously. Fucking freaking disgusting and creepy. Gross. So, so, gross.

I would put Yo Gabba Gabba on here, and probably Sponge Bob Square pants, but the truth is, LOTS of adults profess to actually like those shows, and while there has been scientific evidence gathered to suggest that Sponge Bob in particular causes stupidity, I guess I have to still maintain that it doesn't morally harm a child. Yo Gabba Gabba is just for grown ups who still like to see the representatives of their youth on TV in funny costumes. Jack Black, I'm looking at you, bro.

It's just the lack of good shows on days when you really need them that makes it so frustrating for parents to catch a moment's time to DO SOMETHING. All of the above mentioned shows I would actually hate myself for letting my kids watch. They're all just so annoying, and stupid. I don't want my kid watching some Canadian little brat whine his way through every episode and think that's gonna jive around here. And I don't want them to get 3rd hand contact acid highs from watching Lazytown either, not to mention how violated I would think it would make them. 

So parents, tell me. What are some of the shows that just make you want to stab your eyeballs out with toothpicks?