I had a bad day yesterday. There was nothing telling from the moment I woke up that things were off; it took about an hour after I woke up that I realized I had gotten away from myself. Depression, anxiety, whatever it is that I'm diagnosed with is really sort of besides the point, because on any given day, like yesterday and so far today, I don't feel depressed or anxious, I feel like fucking breaking shit and burning this house down. I feel like I'm being held hostage by my own head.
What actually destroys me and breaks my heart is that I have three little boys and a husband who still need me. I hear myself saying these horrible, fatalistic things, so full of venom and anger. Things I do not mean and could never ever truly feel but I'm so worn down and tired and just wanting to curl into a ball like a hedgehog and roll off the nearest cliff. I want an out, just for a day, to not be the one who's needed and counted on for so much...quite so much.
I know I just need to get through this long weekend and then call my doctor on Tuesday. I'm not feeling like I need to be committed or anything (although I won't lie, 3 or 4 days of letting someone else take care of everything sounds like a vacation) but man, feeling this way just really fucking sucks. I feel like I've been hijacked. I seriously feel as if my brain has taken over and it feels so angry, so close to the edge, completely unable differentiate between disaster and daily life.
I switch from that to just wanting to sleep all day.
So that's where I'm at today. Getting by minute by minute. Going through the motions because I'll be even more pissed off if I have to play catch up on chores if I take a day off. But really wanting, above everything else, to just be able to sleep for a week and wake up and have everything done.