The flip-flop of self-esteem

Having boys, in a way, alleviates some pressure for me that I'm sure Moms of girls can attest to....that pressure to always display a healthy body image so as to not impart any undue stress on their daughters to fit society's mold of what women and girls should look like. I get so irrationally irate and indignant  overwhelmed and angry when I myself am bombarded with image after image after image of what constitutes "beauty" in America and the World. How does a little girl stand a chance in this Country? All the supportive parenting in the World can't shield her from such a massive onslaught of masterful advertisement brainwashing. I should know, I was 5 years old the first time I deduced from the messages I had absorbed from my environment that I was "fat". And it's been a life-long struggle ever since, which really should be no surprise, as the power of images has been proven over and over to be extremely hard to prevent and avoid. Even on my best days, I have doubt.

In just about every single stage of my life, (^^^^okay, okay, maybe not in THAT one^^^^)I thought I was fat. Every. Single. One. When I look back now at photos of myself through the years, I can recall how in every one, I was inwardly cringing, not wanting it captured on film my excess of body weight. And I look at these pictures now, years later, and I'm absolutely beautiful in them! Perfectly fine, healthy, alive! But in those moments, and for the majority of my life, I was unhappy with the way I looked. And I know I'm not alone. I know you, reading this, if you are a woman, I know you have felt the same. Whether it be your belly (like me) or your thighs, your butt, your hips, your upper arms, your nose, eye brows, chin, whatever. We've been seriously wronged, ladies. We've been sold on the notion that we are not up to par. We, in our own natural non-dieting, no make up selves, have been very clearly told we are not good enough. From tender young ages, this is what we were bombarded with:

 http://www.upworthy.com/enjoy-a-few-moments-of-messed-up-messages-created-and-shared-by-the-beauty-industry-here-it-comes?c=ufb2

So how on Earth does someone who was never happy with her appearance possibly show her kids that THEY should be happy with theirs? Or, also, to not judge others on their appearance? I remain mute on topics of my looks or how I feel about my excess weight when I'm in front of my boys. I seriously flip-flop daily from thinking "this is my body now...I've borne three beautiful children  from this belly, these hips, I have nothing to be ashamed of, plus, I hate exercise and I already eat  healthy" to "I should seriously drink less wine, more water, start exercising more, ugh Summer is coming and I don't want to wear a bathing suit in public" Every day, over and over, over and over. I want my boys to see their Mom as comfortable in her own skin, I want them to not have a narrow view of what constitutes beauty, and I don't want them to see me depriving myself of things I love, or doing things I don't like, to fit society's "ideal" of what women should look like. I want them to look past the body which is carrying the soul, and just see and appreciate the soul in a person. But how to do that?

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to just love yourself no matter what you looked like? I know right now, my boys love me without regard at all to my looks. But one day, probably sooner than later, they'll "get the message" that Mommy is a little heavier than other women. Will that matter to them? Will they secretly be a little embarrassed? Is it my job to lose weight to prevent that...or to prove to them that it is not important by staying the way I am? I honestly thought that as a Mom to boys I could somehow avoid this conundrum. Looks like it's found me anyway.

So today, like most days, I'll resolve to either A) Love myself the way I am, or B) change the way I am so I can love myself even more. But looking back at my former selves, I have to ask and wonder...when or what will ever be enough to truly "deserve" to love myself? I can preach all day about how it's what's on the inside that matters, but we all know, all too well, that that is not what society really believes. I just hope I can figure it out in time for my sons to get the message which will lead them to their best selves, no matter what they look like.