I don't know about you, but holy shit, I am a better Mom in the Summer! This winter crap is for the birds. And even they hate it. Ever notice how many birds migrate, for instance? And the ones that are left...ugh, they're all puffed out from the cold and fighting off squirrels to get their food. Freaking BS, man.
So here we are riding out Winter. The first part of winter is pretty cool, gearing up for the Holidays. Everyone is generally cheerful, we get those first snows which are so lovely and pristine, we have THE SANTA CARD (and some people even have elves) and it really is just such a fun time to see the magic of the Holidays through your kids eyes while simultaneously being able to bribe/blackmail them for good behavior. (Which, if I'm being honest, doesn't really work, from Halloween to New Years it's a
total shit show series of smart mouths and tantrums up in here.)
But let's admit that we all try to
make believe the first part of Winter is cool
for the children, because if the whole household felt as negative about it all at once there would surely be some kind of seismic shift and who knows, worm holes might open all over the place and then the planet would go ka-boom and we all don't want that, right?
I know there are some
very demented and crazy wackos people out there who just
love Winter. I often wonder why they aren't living in Alaska, but anyway, for the rest of us, Winter just brings along so many problems! Especially Moms. Why? Oh, I'll
tell you why, friend.
1. Sickness. In the words of the metal band, "Disturbed"(see? Even they know sickness is disturbing!) Winter with young kids might as well just
be called
"Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Get up, come on get down with the sickness
Get up, come on get down with the sickness" because all it is from October to March is sickness after sickness after sickness. I don't care if all you do is swill probiotics and vitamin C, if you have kids who are ever exposed to well, anything, your home becomes a giant petri-dish of sickness. It's Winter. You're trapped in the house with germs. Get up, and get down with the sickness, y'all. If you find the next image scary, you are not ready for Winter with children.
2. The heat. Or lack-thereof. Whether you use oil, wood-stove, pellet stove, electric, or what have you, I'm pretty sure unless you're uber-wealthy (which I'm pretty sure you're not if you're sitting here reading this blog) you are paying out the nose to heat your home. Hubs and I and our neighbors start thinking about pellet stove prices in July. Maybe earlier. We've got to make sure that we'll have enough for Winters
asshole bi-polar unpredictable weather. Making such decisions months away from Winter, with one income, causes lots of stress around here, and knowing we'll also have to worry about oil for hot water when the prices just keep going up up up, it's enough to make one want to move down South. But rednecks.
3. Traveling anywhere by car. This one here presents a bit of a paradox, because every New England driver knows how to drive well in the snow. But still, somehow, even though we're all
from here, once one snow flake hits the ground, it's like
every one else forgets how to damned drive! They go all willy-nilly sliding all over the place, either taking their SUV in a blizzard and doing 80 and passing people then causing a huge pile-up when they spin out, or they drive 5 mph in a simple flurry, causing the cars behind them to get massive road rage and regret that they ever decided to leave their house.
4. Bread and Milk. This video explains the phenomena better than I ever could.I don't know WHY we all suddenly think we're going to need bread and milk, especially when 90% of us are gluten and lactose intolerant, but there it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6zaVYWLTkU
5. The general suckiness of cabin fever. Much like all species who wish to survive with all their fingers and toes intact, little kids effing HATE the cold. But yet....they are somehow also drawn in by the novelty, nay,
danger of it as well. Which is why for the first 3-4 snowstorms, they take Mom along on what I call "Snow- gear-a-thon" which makes PBS' or NPR's yearly fund raisers seem like 2 seconds in comparison. You get the gear on. Wait 5 minutes. You take the wet gear off. You dry the wet gear.You put the gear back on. You take the wet gear off and dry it again. In between of course you are stirring copious amounts of hot cocoa because your little ones are LITERALLY FREEZING TO DEATH, which they forget about even before they're done with their 6th cup of cocoa and want to go back out in that deathly freezing cold again! This phase usually lasts until about mid-January. Then even the spunkiest of little outdoors-men realize what you've known all along...that Winter blows and they'd much rather stay inside where it's warm.
With you. All of them.
With you. All Day. Every Day. From January 15th until the first day above 50. With "nothing to do" despite all the toys they got for Christmas.
Suddenly, PBS is your best friend. But your kids don't actually
learn the lessons Mr. Rogers or Sesame Street are teaching because they are such
jacked-up little shit heads cooped up lil monsters from all this time spent indoors that your house has suddenly transformed into a Mixed-Martial-Arts Cage Match. Add to that the glory known as
SNOW DAYS. Seriously, not enough wine in the World for this.
But, all we can do is hold on tight and ride it out. Because Winter is part of living here. I get it, all you "Well if you don't like it move" people. I don't like it, I'm not moving, and Spring will eventually come.
But in the mean time, DAMN it's COLD out there!!!!! Is it Wine o'clock yet????
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