The Blues

We all have them. They sneak up on you, or they crash in unexpectedly, or they come and just won't leave. I'm going to be honest, folks, my blues seem to have come to me when I was 14 and since then, they have just ebbed and flowed throughout my whole life. There was a time when I self-medicated them, but shit got real when I had my first child and I knew actual medication was needed.

Blues can take many forms, too. They can be anxiety, anger, or, as seems to be the case this winter, they can simply be the complete lack of ability to DO things. I have forgotten more important things this winter than I think I have in my entire life. I find writing about them helps, though. It's therapeutic for me to formulate a description of how I feel...sometimes when I read back, I see a solution, or remedy.

Mostly, I try to just keep going through the motions. Having 3 kids doesn't allow for a day wallowing in bed. I just robotically "do" the things which need to be done. The chores, the caring of the kids. The planning and making of dinner. Sometimes I feel real joy at a beautifully made dinner, other times I just put things together with no feeling, and it's okay. They still have food in their bellies.

It's part of my life, who I am. I need to remind myself I'm doing the best I can and that everyone has bad days. But when the days stretch into weeks or even months, I know it's something more. It's organic. And it sucks.

So, I'm thinking, here we go, another part about being a grown-up that I hate. I'm going to have to find a Primary Care doctor covered by my insurance and get a referral to an actual Psychiatrist. I've been getting my basic health care for the past 7 years from my OBGYN. But she is not a "head doctor" like I feel I need. 
I had hoped that being able to fake it until I make it was going to be able to get me through this slump, but I've reached the point where I feel bad enough that I'm going to ask for help.

So, how about you? What's your breaking point look like? Do you think you even have one? There are times where I feel this intense need to be "Super Mom" and do all the things with a happy disposition. But I can't do that when I'm immersed in the blues.