Hijacked

I had a bad day yesterday. There was nothing telling from the moment I woke up that things were off; it took about an hour after I woke up that I realized I had gotten away from myself. Depression, anxiety, whatever it is that I'm diagnosed with is really sort of besides the point, because on any given day, like yesterday and so far today, I don't feel depressed or anxious, I feel like fucking breaking shit and burning this house down. I feel like I'm being held hostage by my own head.

What actually destroys me and breaks my heart is that I have three little boys and a husband who still need me. I hear myself saying these horrible, fatalistic things, so full of venom and anger. Things I do not mean and could never ever truly feel but I'm so worn down and tired and just wanting to curl into a ball like a hedgehog and roll off the nearest cliff. I want an out, just for a day, to not be the one who's needed and counted on for so much...quite so much.

I know I just need to get through this long weekend and then call my doctor on Tuesday. I'm not feeling like I need to be committed or anything (although I won't lie, 3 or 4 days of letting someone else take care of everything sounds like a vacation) but man, feeling this way just really fucking sucks. I feel like I've been hijacked. I seriously feel as if my brain has taken over and it feels so angry, so close to the edge, completely unable differentiate between disaster and daily life.

I switch from that to just wanting to sleep all day.

So that's where I'm at today. Getting by minute by minute. Going through the motions because I'll be even more pissed off if I have to play catch up on chores if I take a day off. But really wanting, above everything else, to just be able to sleep for a week and wake up and have everything done.

All the emotions, all the time.

So, boy...the emotions that have come barreling out of me since I started this alcohol-free stage of life have been, um....strong. Overpowering, unexpected, and frankly, at some times, embarrassing!

I hear a song and boom! Tears a flowin'.

Video on Facebook showing Moms picking their kids up after every fall and then their kid is an Olympic athlete? BOOM, tears.

Take laundry out of the dryer and realize some is still damp? TEARS.

Yell at my son for breaking a glass picture frame? Tears. Freaking-A man, I am a horrible Mom. 

I guess this is all a part of the natural course of events when you remove a numbing crutch from your life. Even though I didn't drink during the day (unless it was Sunday and I had my morning Bloody Mary's) I still new my reward was waiting if I got through the day.

So throughout the day, I really was on auto-pilot. Not much got to me emotionally because I was just on survival mode until the boys' bedtime.

But now, with ALL THE EMOTIONS, I'm also finding myself really more attuned to and aware of my boys and all their thoughts, fears, joys. And over the course of a day they make me laugh, cry, feel like I'm doing everything right, or everything WRONG.

But the point is, I'm finally feeling.

Feeling all the feelings.

Three Weeks

So it's been three weeks today since I've had any alcohol. I do feel like I can do this, and I know it will take just as long as it took me to get into this mess to get out of it. But I am wondering when I will stop feeling so tired.

I'm sure the abundance of snow days with all three boys home has something to do with it. May February pass quickly and allow me to take more than 3-4 walks a week.

Man this time of year is tough on so many of us.

But, onward I will go.

 I heard a great metaphor today, from my lovely and wise older sister.

In regards to any big change, be it weight loss, new career, summoning the courage to leave a bad relationship, stopping smoking, whatever: Your decision is like steering a giant ship. The effort to turn the ship in an entirely new direction will take every ounce of strength you have. Your engines will scream under the pressure of steering the vastness of the ship around. For awhile, you'll only feel the strain of the turn.

But once turned around, you will move forward in such a fast and unstoppable motion that you will suddenly really begin to see the water fly by you, and the white froth of your past will be swallowed up by the churning of your wake.

I can't wait to watch that wake.